My Name is Le Clown: For We are Many

Le Clown is a pretentious douche. But you knew that. Should we start again? Why is Le Clown even asking you… Let’s start again.

TAKE 2

Le Clown is a pretentious douche. He reads Milan Kundera, quotes Noam Chomsky, enjoys jazz, trademarks™ everything, refers to himself in the third person, and chances are, he’s probably, most certainly, your daddy. If Le Clown wasn’t Le Clown, Le Clown would dislike Le Clown because of the pretentious douche that he is. When Le Clown isn’t busy tooting his own horn, or stroking his ego, or spreading the Magnificent™ Gospel of Le Clown™ on the interwebs,  Le Clown watches horror flicks. And so should you.

HOW HAVE YOU FALLEN FROM HEAVEN, O LUCIFER, SON OF THE MORNING

…So God kicked the devil out from the skies, and the Lord of Darkness was born. Scary shit… unless you’re a clown. Here’s where the real root of evil stems from… Come on, come closer, and listen to Le Clown’s story:

1980. In a theater somewhere in Montreal. A 9 year old boy was exposed to The Grady Daughters, bleeding elevators, and the ugly mask-less humanoid from The Black Hole, all in one afternoon. That same night, the boy peed in his bed, and suffered from night terrors. As if this wasn’t enough, his pot loving parents thought it would be sweet if the family would later watch The Exorcist  together on a Betamax. That night, while the boy witnessed the exorcism of Regan MacNeil, Eric died, and Le Clown was born.

Le Clown at the movies

THE NECRONOMICON

A few years later, Le Magnificent™ Clown caught Evil Dead on a Friday night. There might have been some popcorn, perhaps even a soda pop. If Le Clown’s memory serves him right, he sat beside a girl he liked, who was much less magnificent™ than His Magnificence™, but who was known to enjoy le French kissing if you would buy her popcorn and a soda pop, during a Sam Raimi movie. There was no spit swapping during the flick… just [Le Clown's] cries, [Le Clown's] nails in [le French Kissing Girl's] skin, and a hasty “don’t ever call me again, Le Scary Cat Clown“… That same night, Le Clown peed in his bed, and stopped sleeping, ever again.

SEVEN DAYS

Eat Pennywise‘s poo on the Carnival Triumph, Samara (not you, Sadako, even though you came first) and your videotape… Le Clown doesn’t understand coulrophobia when there’s little girls like Samara out there… And what is it with creepy children in horror flicks? They manage to scare Le Clown even more than Oscar Pistorius, and ex-pope Benedict XVI (not you, Paul Ryan, you’re one screwed up dude). Ghost stories, possessions, hauntings, these are Le Clown’s favourite horror movies, and there isn’t a goddamn thing Milan Kundera can say about it… which is why Le Clown will suggest three magnificent™ splatter films, cause he is all about consistency. You’re welcome.

Paranormal Le Clown

THE LOVED ONES

That movie was so, much, fun… like wasabi ice cream, or a kitten kneading on the skin of your leg.

EXCISION

Le Clown is on the fence about this one, like, trying to jump over the fence, getting your leg caught between two posts, and ripping it off. Drama? Yes. Tragic? Indeed. Horror? Absolutely. Loved it, and will never watch it again.

AMERICAN MARY

An underground feel to this one, like every character exists on the fringes of society, like a blogging clown. And if this wasn’t enough, it was filmed in Canada.

Related Posts:

Here Is a List of Terrible Things: 5 Under-the-Radar Horror Films to Watch Now

Friday Night Features: Horror Shorts on the Web

You’ve Always Been the Caretaker: The “Room 237″ Kubrick Documentary

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Categories: Guest Writers, TV & Film

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117 replies

  1. Those twins may be the scariest horror things in existence. I say this and I’ve seen Mariah Carey’s Glitter.

  2. Oohhhh new horror films to watch! I always need new ones to join my ever growing collection and at least two of those look very promising. Any comedy horrors you can recommend? I do love a gory black comedy :P

  3. It is 7:30 a.m. in Niagara Falls.
    The Hook has just read Le Clown’s tribute to horror films.
    The Hook has also viewed the trailers Le Clown submitted for our viewing pleasure/terror (?)
    Pray for The Hook.

  4. The Shining was in my opinion, the best thriller ever produced. It sucks you in. It’s something with the slow pan shots that draw me into it…

  5. The Omen was the scariest film I ever saw–on television. I remember watching it with friends, high and drunk, through my fingers, and squealing like a little girl. It was horrible. I wonder why Le Clown has not included this super-scary film in his list of horror flicks? Hmmm? Perhaps he has not viewed it? Mais non! Ce n’est pas possible! Le Clown must not have been as freaked out as Mairedubh was by this film. Could this be? Peut-ȇtre. Will we ever know? Peut-ȇtre. If Le Clown comments on this comment. We wait.

    • Mary,
      Le Clown loves The Omen, and most horror movies pertaining about possession… He could only write so much and not take over Eva’s blog. Interestingly, it’s The Omen II that spooked him as a kid, and that scene with the man under the ice… Not that Le Clown remembers well…
      Le Clown

  6. The Shining, The Thing. #1 and #2.
    Digging these new horror goodies you’ve suggested. Has Le Clown seen the new red band trailer for Evil Dead?
    Nice Vincent Le Price pic.

    • Mike,
      There was a sequel to The Thing? Or are you referring to the remake?
      I did see the trailer for the new Evil Dead… I don’t know… They look evil, but I am not sure… On the plus side, it’s not made by a studio American director…
      Le Clown

      • My fault wrote that before my morning tea. #1 Shining, #2 The Thing, in that order.
        I refuse to watch The Thing prequel.

        I’m with you, not sure how you remake that movie with the Bruce Campbell element. Oh well – yes, non-americansky is a plus.

  7. Not a horror fan. I have too vivid an imagination and flashes of grotesque scenes when I am trying to work, or sleep, or eat, can be a distraction….

    • Susie,
      That is why Le Clown doesn’t like Paul Ryan… He’s too afraid of what that man could do should he be in power… you know, with Le Clown’s vivid imagination, and stuff…
      Le Clown

  8. Saw a preview screening of the new “Oz” movie by Sam Raimi. Very disappointed. Not scary at all. Not even the flying monkeys. Ok, maybe a little. But I have to say creepy kids always puts me over the top. When I watch little “Gage” show up in his burial suit to kill Fred Gwynne in “Pet Semetary,” I’m always extra nice to my kids for a few days.

  9. I don’t know why, but I’m definitely digging the movie Excision. Maybe it’s because I know what it feels like to be on the outside looking in. Wanting to be the pretty one. The popular one. Finding out later in life, it’s far more fun to be the fucked up one…..

  10. Le Clown likes RUBBER and THE LOVED ONES = Le Clown is A-OK in my book. My book which is bound in the flesh of 100 virgins and written in Le Clown’s blood that I stole from the hospital the night Le Clown had Le Appendectomy.

  11. I’m a fan of “Serial Mom” – the Exorcist has scarred me for life… I will NEVER watch that movie again… My father brought me (aged 7 or 8) and my brother (11 or 12) to see “The Amnityville Horror” and we slept at the foot of my parent’s bed for a week. He was so excited b/c he drove past Amnityville on daily commute to work AND George Lutz surveyed our property and ate dinner at our house (prior to the story)…

    But The Exorcist is the ONLY horror movie I will not watch again — those EYES!

  12. Guess what, all three of these movies have someone in common…

  13. So now sweet husband loves you, thinks he’ll get me to watch horror flicks with him. Hah! Look for him on your doorstep! xoxoM

  14. No, really, I wasn’t having enough trouble sleeping as it was.

    • Jen,
      I have talked to all of my clown friends, and everyone agreed to leave your room as of tonight. So the crackling noises, not from my peeps,anymore. Probably just some old evil spirits that can’t seem to leave this world. Or Samara.
      Le Clown

  15. ummmmm… I really feel that I am learning too much about ‘the’ clown. I no longer feel that I can support his pompous use of ‘le’, because it makes him sound foreign and interesting. I don’t even want to use a big ‘C’ in clown for the same reasons. And yet I love him… sigh… I am like one of those confused teen girls with daddy issues who keeps falling for bad boys and then wondering why my life sucks.

  16. Aargh! I’m too much of a wimp to be a horror film fan. Couldn’t watch the trailers and right now I am typing from under the covers….

  17. Just saying ‘The Grady Twins” makes me pee a little bit.

  18. I can’t watch those movies! I’ve just barely recovered from seeing Le Clown’s new Facebook photo!

  19. Le Clown,
    “The Exorcist” did a number on me, too, when I was kid. I watched it without my parents’ permission and I was probably too young. Catholic kids believe in all that stuff. I’ve never heard of these new movies. They look wildly disturbing. Thanks for the recommendations. I’ll check them out some time.
    Amy

    • Amy,
      I have a good friend who is a devout catholic and brought a similar argument that [ex-]Catholics had an interesting relationship with movies about possession… And he is right. That one in particular.
      Le Clown

      • I would agree that the possession movies are in their own category. The rest can be disturbing, but I can usually rationalize it’s just good effects and makeup, all the gory, bloody stuff. That “Excision” looks the creepiest.

  20. Dude, you got freaked out during Evil Dead? What the F? To be fair, I yelped a few times at Drag Me to Hell, but Evil Dead? The Shining is a classic for the ages. Just perfect. Kubrick and Nicholson MADE that movie. I haven’t seen any of the movies you mentioned, alas. I’ll have to put them in my queue. I enjoy watching horror movies because they scare Mr. Weebles and I enjoy tormenting him afterwards.

    • Weebs,
      Oh. Yes. I messed up my clown make-up watching Ash and his friends being pounded by ancient evil. The laughter, the evil in the wood,lurking outside of the cabin. Yep, I got freaked out all right…
      Le Clown

    • Isn’t that what we love about Le Clown, Madame? He’s so delightfully tender and delicate. Well, at least when it comes to horror…

  21. Thanks for the recommendations. I’ll have to check them out. Though, I do tend to enjoy the “classics” a bit more: Poltergeist and House on Haunted Hill (1959).

  22. I may be remiss. I am sure I am. But what did Le Clown think of Twin Peaks…. or really anything by David Lynch? I am still haunted by them.

    • UC/L.
      Good call… There is a difference sort of horror in Lynch’s movies… notably in Twin Peaks and Blue Velvet…Watching one of his fares is rarely relaxing…
      Le Clown

  23. Little kids are terrifying. There’s just no way around it. Any sort of exorcism flick is also terrifying, BUT I rather enjoy being terrified, especially on Friday nights while eating take-out with my husband. It’s our version of a “date night.” I haven’t seen any of your recommendations, so we’ll have to add them to our Friday night watch list.

  24. I remember crawling into bed with my mom and dad when I was four years old and watching Vincent Price movies on their black and white tv late at night. The Pit and the Pendulum sticks out in my mind as my first horror film. I might have to check these out…

  25. holy crap. until the credits said “traci lords” on that one trailer, i would have sworn it was renee zellweger.

  26. Le Clown,

    Are these truly scary movies or are they more “funny scary” like Le Clown O:-)? Let me know.

    QC

  27. I am so late to the party. Every day should be Halloween and no movie is too scary. Real life takes care if that. 1J1.

  28. Le Clown,
    That was awesome! I’ll have to check out those movies, but I’m afraid nothing will beat the cinematic masterpiece that is Thankskilling. I also would like to know if Le French Kissing is just kissing in France. Thanks!

    Josef

  29. Your one article is longer than all of mine combined. I could have done ONE A YEAR? *glares at Eva*

  30. Hehe………..Acadia has a short post

  31. There are very few horror films these days that really get to me. Clowns on the other hand…..

  32. What…I just…I don’t even…hmm.

    • TGNP,
      I have gained considerable experience deciphering cryptic messages, now that i have two kids. From my experience, your comment means: Please change my diaper, and/or, what were you and mummy doing on the couch last night when I woke up to get water?
      Le Clown

Trackbacks

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