Le Clown is a pretentious douche. But you knew that. Should we start again? Why is Le Clown even asking you… Let’s start again.
TAKE 2
Le Clown is a pretentious douche. He reads Milan Kundera, quotes Noam Chomsky, enjoys jazz, trademarks™ everything, refers to himself in the third person, and chances are, he’s probably, most certainly, your daddy. If Le Clown wasn’t Le Clown, Le Clown would dislike Le Clown because of the pretentious douche that he is. When Le Clown isn’t busy tooting his own horn, or stroking his ego, or spreading the Magnificent™ Gospel of Le Clown™ on the interwebs, Le Clown watches horror flicks. And so should you.
HOW HAVE YOU FALLEN FROM HEAVEN, O LUCIFER, SON OF THE MORNING
…So God kicked the devil out from the skies, and the Lord of Darkness was born. Scary shit… unless you’re a clown. Here’s where the real root of evil stems from… Come on, come closer, and listen to Le Clown’s story:
1980. In a theater somewhere in Montreal. A 9 year old boy was exposed to The Grady Daughters, bleeding elevators, and the ugly mask-less humanoid from The Black Hole, all in one afternoon. That same night, the boy peed in his bed, and suffered from night terrors. As if this wasn’t enough, his pot loving parents thought it would be sweet if the family would later watch The Exorcist together on a Betamax. That night, while the boy witnessed the exorcism of Regan MacNeil, Eric died, and Le Clown was born.
THE NECRONOMICON
A few years later, Le Magnificent™ Clown caught Evil Dead on a Friday night. There might have been some popcorn, perhaps even a soda pop. If Le Clown’s memory serves him right, he sat beside a girl he liked, who was much less magnificent™ than His Magnificence™, but who was known to enjoy le French kissing if you would buy her popcorn and a soda pop, during a Sam Raimi movie. There was no spit swapping during the flick… just [Le Clown’s] cries, [Le Clown’s] nails in [le French Kissing Girl’s] skin, and a hasty “don’t ever call me again, Le Scary Cat Clown“… That same night, Le Clown peed in his bed, and stopped sleeping, ever again.
SEVEN DAYS
Eat Pennywise‘s poo on the Carnival Triumph, Samara (not you, Sadako, even though you came first) and your videotape… Le Clown doesn’t understand coulrophobia when there’s little girls like Samara out there… And what is it with creepy children in horror flicks? They manage to scare Le Clown even more than Oscar Pistorius, and ex-pope Benedict XVI (not you, Paul Ryan, you’re one screwed up dude). Ghost stories, possessions, hauntings, these are Le Clown’s favourite horror movies, and there isn’t a goddamn thing Milan Kundera can say about it… which is why Le Clown will suggest three magnificent™ splatter films, cause he is all about consistency. You’re welcome.
THE LOVED ONES
That movie was so, much, fun… like wasabi ice cream, or a kitten kneading on the skin of your leg.
EXCISION
Le Clown is on the fence about this one, like, trying to jump over the fence, getting your leg caught between two posts, and ripping it off. Drama? Yes. Tragic? Indeed. Horror? Absolutely. Loved it, and will never watch it again.
AMERICAN MARY
An underground feel to this one, like every character exists on the fringes of society, like a blogging clown. And if this wasn’t enough, it was filmed in Canada.
Related Posts:
– Here Is a List of Terrible Things: 5 Under-the-Radar Horror Films to Watch Now
– Friday Night Features: Horror Shorts on the Web
– You’ve Always Been the Caretaker: The “Room 237″ Kubrick Documentary
Categories: Guest Writers, TV & Film
It’s Time for the Gore Score with Doc Splatter! 
The Year of Halloween 
Those twins may be the scariest horror things in existence. I say this and I’ve seen Mariah Carey’s Glitter.
Speaker7,
I’ve heard through paranormal activities that The Grady Twins will cry when watching Glitter, and when in the presence of Oscar Pistorius. True story.
Le Clown
That scene where the elevators opened and butterflies and terrible 90’s pop poured out was really horrifying.
Oohhhh new horror films to watch! I always need new ones to join my ever growing collection and at least two of those look very promising. Any comedy horrors you can recommend? I do love a gory black comedy 😛
Mel,
The Loved Ones is just that… I mean if piercing a hole in your head with a drill is your thing… There’s also Stitches, with my very favourite stand-up comic Ross Noble. Yes, it’s about a killing clown, but the gory scenes are clever™, even though the story is on the formulaic side.
Le Clown
I’ve just ordered Loved Ones on amazon along with a couple of others that I’ve seen recommended on here. Hmmm Stitches….youtube calling me a second….ohhh that looks amusing. Creepy clowns are either very good in films or make them tacky, that looks like he really plays it well!
I’ve simply yet to read where you ™ clever, yes? And Ross Noble rules the world; one of the few to talk for the full sixty seconds in ‘Just a Minute’.
Seed™,
™™™™™.
Le Clown
A™h™,™ L™e™ C™l™o™w™n™,™
I™ s™e™e™(™d™)™ h™o™w™ t™h™i™s™ w™o™r™k™s™ n™o™w™.™
Ah, a kindred spirit. Scienerf, have you seen Tucker & Dale vs. Evil or Slither? Another good candidate is the middle vignette of The Signal.
No to the first one, yes to the second, slither was OK but not one of my favourites suppose it didn’t appeal to my British sense of humour. Shaun of the dead had me in stitches though oh and I liked Pandorum and Event Horizon, me likey sci-fi horror it speaks to the geek in me 😛
Mel,
While I was driving around, trying to hit men in ties in our financial district, I thought of another horror comedy you might like: Severance… Give that one a try.
Le Clown
Ooh I like that one it’s already part of my collection 😛 Do you have a scoring system for those men based on the quality/colour of the tie, whether they’re carrying a briefcase etc? Or is it just for the fun of it and scoring it would just make it too competitive and less fun.
Mel xox
It is 7:30 a.m. in Niagara Falls.
The Hook has just read Le Clown’s tribute to horror films.
The Hook has also viewed the trailers Le Clown submitted for our viewing pleasure/terror (?)
Pray for The Hook.
The Hook,
Le Clown is honoured, my fellow Canadian Illuminati, that you have opted for the third person way of life. It’s like choosing recycled toilet paper… Although it might scratch your butt cheeks, each time you bleed after wiping, you know you’re doing something good for the environment.
Le Clown
You honor The Hook with your praise.
The Hook is pleased.
The Hook thanks you.
And suddenly we’ve arrived at the really horrific part of the post.
The Shining was in my opinion, the best thriller ever produced. It sucks you in. It’s something with the slow pan shots that draw me into it…
Adam,
The beauty with The Shining is that it is a Stanley Kubrick flick. Ok, all jokes aside, it’s as intricate as a horror film, as it is a as drama. And it makes Le Clown miss his Big Wheels.
Le Clown
A Clockwork Orange is a masterpiece. The opening scene is so fucking bizzare.
Adam, there is a new Shining documentary coming out next month that you might enjoy…
The Omen was the scariest film I ever saw–on television. I remember watching it with friends, high and drunk, through my fingers, and squealing like a little girl. It was horrible. I wonder why Le Clown has not included this super-scary film in his list of horror flicks? Hmmm? Perhaps he has not viewed it? Mais non! Ce n’est pas possible! Le Clown must not have been as freaked out as Mairedubh was by this film. Could this be? Peut-ȇtre. Will we ever know? Peut-ȇtre. If Le Clown comments on this comment. We wait.
Mary,
Le Clown loves The Omen, and most horror movies pertaining about possession… He could only write so much and not take over Eva’s blog. Interestingly, it’s The Omen II that spooked him as a kid, and that scene with the man under the ice… Not that Le Clown remembers well…
Le Clown
You are, of course, welcome to come back à tout moment, darling Le Clown.
The Shining, The Thing. #1 and #2.
Digging these new horror goodies you’ve suggested. Has Le Clown seen the new red band trailer for Evil Dead?
Nice Vincent Le Price pic.
Mike,
There was a sequel to The Thing? Or are you referring to the remake?
I did see the trailer for the new Evil Dead… I don’t know… They look evil, but I am not sure… On the plus side, it’s not made by a studio American director…
Le Clown
My fault wrote that before my morning tea. #1 Shining, #2 The Thing, in that order.
I refuse to watch The Thing prequel.
I’m with you, not sure how you remake that movie with the Bruce Campbell element. Oh well – yes, non-americansky is a plus.
Not a horror fan. I have too vivid an imagination and flashes of grotesque scenes when I am trying to work, or sleep, or eat, can be a distraction….
Susie,
That is why Le Clown doesn’t like Paul Ryan… He’s too afraid of what that man could do should he be in power… you know, with Le Clown’s vivid imagination, and stuff…
Le Clown
Saw a preview screening of the new “Oz” movie by Sam Raimi. Very disappointed. Not scary at all. Not even the flying monkeys. Ok, maybe a little. But I have to say creepy kids always puts me over the top. When I watch little “Gage” show up in his burial suit to kill Fred Gwynne in “Pet Semetary,” I’m always extra nice to my kids for a few days.
I will simply say “Zelda” and leave it at that, darling. *shivers*
Brrrrrrr! Let me get my coat, Eva!
Ned,
Vivid memories of Pet Semetary and Gage, of course, not the road kill Gage, but the Walking Dead one… Oz looks like a Disney flick… Oh, wait… It is. At least there’s James Franco in it.
Le Clown
Ya, maybe if Franco’s balloon landed in a Pet Semetary, then we’d have something.
I don’t know why, but I’m definitely digging the movie Excision. Maybe it’s because I know what it feels like to be on the outside looking in. Wanting to be the pretty one. The popular one. Finding out later in life, it’s far more fun to be the fucked up one…..
Renee,
Excision was wickedly perverse… A much watch. But something Le Clown found tedious, yet compelling at the same time… And quite frankly, Traci Lords was excellent in it.
Le Clown
Traci Lords is quite something. She is beautiful and brilliant.
Le Clown likes RUBBER and THE LOVED ONES = Le Clown is A-OK in my book. My book which is bound in the flesh of 100 virgins and written in Le Clown’s blood that I stole from the hospital the night Le Clown had Le Appendectomy.
One does wonder where you managed to come across so many virgins, darling. I’m, uh, asking for a friend.
A gentleman never tells!!!
The IPC,
That is a terrifying book, even more so that it was written on my daughter’s soul.
Le Clown
I’m a fan of “Serial Mom” – the Exorcist has scarred me for life… I will NEVER watch that movie again… My father brought me (aged 7 or 8) and my brother (11 or 12) to see “The Amnityville Horror” and we slept at the foot of my parent’s bed for a week. He was so excited b/c he drove past Amnityville on daily commute to work AND George Lutz surveyed our property and ate dinner at our house (prior to the story)…
But The Exorcist is the ONLY horror movie I will not watch again — those EYES!
Denise,
The Exorcist is one movie I still struggle to watch. Everything about Regan scares Le Clown, from her voice, her make-up, Pazuzu, you name it… As for The Amityville Horror, that’s another one where the less stellar sequel spooked me more than the magnificent™ original. That young man having sex with his sister, if I remember correctly… Ouf.
Le Clown
Hee hee… I barely remember the sequel – but I can read horror much more easily than watch…
But Serial Mom is my fav!
Denise,
Serial Mom is a John Waters flick… of course you like it. And I agree.
Le Clown
Yes and Yes! His book, ‘Shock Value’ is worth a read if you can find it in print (if you find it with the leopard skin cover…no pink – GRAB it – it’s a rare find)
Guess what, all three of these movies have someone in common…
TAE,
And that person would be?
Le Clown
Yup. C’est le me, le Clown.
That means I haven’t watched ANY of these…
So now sweet husband loves you, thinks he’ll get me to watch horror flicks with him. Hah! Look for him on your doorstep! xoxoM
Husbands? Far too many here as it is. I do have openings for a good thrall, and one NON-POSSESSED domestic. He may feel free to send a résumé by post.
llllooooollllll!!!!!!! xoxoM
Margarita,
Wait until Le Clown sleeps under your bed, liking your husband’s fingers.
Le Clown
Yep, once sweet husband’s fingers are licked, they’re liked, too! xoxoM
No, really, I wasn’t having enough trouble sleeping as it was.
Jen,
I have talked to all of my clown friends, and everyone agreed to leave your room as of tonight. So the crackling noises, not from my peeps,anymore. Probably just some old evil spirits that can’t seem to leave this world. Or Samara.
Le Clown
ummmmm… I really feel that I am learning too much about ‘the’ clown. I no longer feel that I can support his pompous use of ‘le’, because it makes him sound foreign and interesting. I don’t even want to use a big ‘C’ in clown for the same reasons. And yet I love him… sigh… I am like one of those confused teen girls with daddy issues who keeps falling for bad boys and then wondering why my life sucks.
Arthur,
Go clean your room.
Le Clown
yessir…
*adds “responds well to discipline” to your file*
That is the meanest thing anybody ever said to me, and it is so far from the truth that you have no idea how wrong you are… Okay, I might let ‘you know who’ boss me around a little because he gives me an inferiority… if I spelled that right… complex…but that is not at all the same thing.
Mmm hmm. 😉
No… really… I used to get sent to jail for my lack of ability not to conform… and they never broke my spirit… don’t judge me based on one weird man-crush… ask ‘you know who of whom we shall not speak of the name of”… he knows the real story…
Aargh! I’m too much of a wimp to be a horror film fan. Couldn’t watch the trailers and right now I am typing from under the covers….
Janet,
But you do know that THEY hide under the covers, right?
Le Clown
Just saying ‘The Grady Twins” makes me pee a little bit.
Bill,
It’s a good thing you wear adult diapers.
Le Clown
Wait, they make these things in adult sizes too?
I can’t watch those movies! I’ve just barely recovered from seeing Le Clown’s new Facebook photo!
Deadly Nightshade,
Oh… You did see it… That means you’re on Le Clown’s Facebook page, and he doesn’t know which one you are… 1-0 You.
Le Clown
Somehow I think I’ve entered a scary competition which I cannot win…
Au contraire, my dear happyzinny……you very much can win.
Le Clown,
“The Exorcist” did a number on me, too, when I was kid. I watched it without my parents’ permission and I was probably too young. Catholic kids believe in all that stuff. I’ve never heard of these new movies. They look wildly disturbing. Thanks for the recommendations. I’ll check them out some time.
Amy
Amy,
I have a good friend who is a devout catholic and brought a similar argument that [ex-]Catholics had an interesting relationship with movies about possession… And he is right. That one in particular.
Le Clown
I would agree that the possession movies are in their own category. The rest can be disturbing, but I can usually rationalize it’s just good effects and makeup, all the gory, bloody stuff. That “Excision” looks the creepiest.
Dude, you got freaked out during Evil Dead? What the F? To be fair, I yelped a few times at Drag Me to Hell, but Evil Dead? The Shining is a classic for the ages. Just perfect. Kubrick and Nicholson MADE that movie. I haven’t seen any of the movies you mentioned, alas. I’ll have to put them in my queue. I enjoy watching horror movies because they scare Mr. Weebles and I enjoy tormenting him afterwards.
Weebs,
Oh. Yes. I messed up my clown make-up watching Ash and his friends being pounded by ancient evil. The laughter, the evil in the wood,lurking outside of the cabin. Yep, I got freaked out all right…
Le Clown
Isn’t that what we love about Le Clown, Madame? He’s so delightfully tender and delicate. Well, at least when it comes to horror…
Thanks for the recommendations. I’ll have to check them out. Though, I do tend to enjoy the “classics” a bit more: Poltergeist and House on Haunted Hill (1959).
DJ,
Classics are great. New classics are being produced though lately… Guillermo del Toro and co, for example…
Le Clown
Point taken. I will have to give these new classics a chance.
I may be remiss. I am sure I am. But what did Le Clown think of Twin Peaks…. or really anything by David Lynch? I am still haunted by them.
UC/L.
Good call… There is a difference sort of horror in Lynch’s movies… notably in Twin Peaks and Blue Velvet…Watching one of his fares is rarely relaxing…
Le Clown
Little kids are terrifying. There’s just no way around it. Any sort of exorcism flick is also terrifying, BUT I rather enjoy being terrified, especially on Friday nights while eating take-out with my husband. It’s our version of a “date night.” I haven’t seen any of your recommendations, so we’ll have to add them to our Friday night watch list.
Ashley,
There’s something about being scared shitless, right? Le Clown can be so eloquent when it comes to ghostly possessed child.
Le Clown
Ashley darling, why not come back and visit us here on Friday nights? Each week, we post a new horror short film on our Friday Night Features series. So far we’ve run the gamut from dark comedy to monsters to straight “is there something behind me” terror – something new every week!
I remember crawling into bed with my mom and dad when I was four years old and watching Vincent Price movies on their black and white tv late at night. The Pit and the Pendulum sticks out in my mind as my first horror film. I might have to check these out…
Michelle,
Vincent Price… He’s that fellow and Edward Scissorhands, right?
Le Clown
Yes. I don’t think he was in much else, though… Is it odd that I had a bit of a crush on him when I was a girl?
Michelle,
It makes you even more magnificent™ than you already are.
Le Clown
holy crap. until the credits said “traci lords” on that one trailer, i would have sworn it was renee zellweger.
Rich,
It was Renée Zellweger’s best performance yet.
I hear Silvia Saint will play Zellweger in the next installment of Bridget Jones’s Diary.
Le Clown
just wet myself. in a good way.
Poor Silvia. Then again, who hasn’t taken a job that’s beneath themselves once or twice in their career?
Le Clown,
Are these truly scary movies or are they more “funny scary” like Le Clown O:-)? Let me know.
QC
Quirky Chrissy,
The Loved Ones has humour, dark humour, but it is gruesome.
Excision, dark, dark, dark…
American Mary, no humour what’s so ever…
Le Clown
I’m pretty sure one of those trailers was cause for nightmares last night…
I’m just saying.
QC
This is all going to plan…
I am so late to the party. Every day should be Halloween and no movie is too scary. Real life takes care if that. 1J1.
1Jaded1,
This is why I enjoy this blog.Eva makes sure that we do not forget old Jack…
Le Clown
I’m following Eva’s blog forevermore. I could never ever forget anything Halloween. It has been my favorite since i was 3 and that is pretty near close to forever.
Awww, 1jaded1…If I still had blood, I’d be blushing. Come back and visit any time.
Le Clown,
That was awesome! I’ll have to check out those movies, but I’m afraid nothing will beat the cinematic masterpiece that is Thankskilling. I also would like to know if Le French Kissing is just kissing in France. Thanks!
Josef
Josef darling, if you adored Thankskilling, you might enjoy Treevenge – all the holiday-themed revenge and carnage packed into one 17 minute short film.
Josef,
Thankskilling… Yes. How can I disagree with you………. As for French kissing, it’s not recommended in France, I mean, unless you are into nicotine saliva.
Le Clown
Your one article is longer than all of mine combined. I could have done ONE A YEAR? *glares at Eva*
Acadia,
Does Eva put you on a very strict diet when it comes to the length of your post? I say rebel…
Le Clown
Hehe………..Acadia has a short post
Stacy,
Le Clown will opt for the Fifth on this one.
Le Clown
There are very few horror films these days that really get to me. Clowns on the other hand…..
Dydan,
Le Clown gets to everyone. He’s that magical.
Le Clown
What…I just…I don’t even…hmm.
TGNP,
I have gained considerable experience deciphering cryptic messages, now that i have two kids. From my experience, your comment means: Please change my diaper, and/or, what were you and mummy doing on the couch last night when I woke up to get water?
Le Clown