It is August 20th. Picture the earth turning to the east as time passes, the sun just over the horizon. You are bathed in that early morning light that doesn’t exist at any other time and you are relishing that last bit of coolness before the oppressive heat of the dog days makes the rest of your day sticky and miserable. A good feeling, isn’t it?
Well now picture the same thing, except it is the dawn of Labor Day, the light is orange, and instead of the sun it is a pumpkin. That’s what Starbucks wants you to think, anyway. They drop all their pumpkins on you right at the beginning of the month and it runs right through the end of November. And it’s right that they do this. Because according to how my brain works, those are the months that comprise Fall. Shove your equinoxes and solstices up your butts, you hippie druids. Fall is Sep – Nov. Winter is Dec – Feb. Spring is Mar-May and Summer is Jun-Aug. THAT’S how things work. And Starbucks (and Dunkin Donuts and every other food store and probably also Jiffy Lube) drag out the pumpkin extract and squirt it generously into everything they make.
The other sign of fall used to be Back to School crap in the stores but that seems to be in June now. I don’t understand it. I just know that every time I go to a clothing store (which is pretty much never) there is always some sad kid standing there while his mom tugs his pants way up his crack and asks “HOW DO THOSE FEEL IN THE CROTCH” which is pretty much the most mortifying thing that can happen to a sixth grader.
Ugh. Now I am retroactively mad at my mom. So just hold your breath for another couple weeks and you will be enjoying Pumpkin scented motor oil at Jiffy Lube and reading in the paper about how some crazy guy sued his mom for mental distress for making him try on pants at the Maine Mall a million years ago. Yum!