They’re Not Working for Santa Anymore: 1989’s “Elves”

Elves 1989That hungry fellow above is an elf. The movie he is in is called Elves. And he needs a virgin to mate with so he can start the new master race because he was created by Nazis. Yep. The elf was made by Nazis. This is an actual description of the movie:

“A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.” 

The trailer is every bit as amazing as you would imagine.

  • Leading the trailer with the 15 second display of the name of the production company that nobody heard of is a class move.  Plus their logo is the best special effect in the whole thing.
  • Hopefully Dan Haggerty can stop him by having a giant beard and smoking a lot of cigarettes.
  • Every woman in the whole movie has the amazing late 80s/early 90s hair that looks super full and poofy but if you touch it it would instantly compress right to their heads.
  • Cigarettes make you look cool.  REMEMBER THAT, KIDS!
  • Bad guys always want virgins because they’re evil and also don’t want girls who might be able to tell they’re bad at sex. That’s why they are bad guys.
  • Damn I want to smoke and punch someone right now.

I’m not going to pretend that I watched this. I watched the trailer. I don’t think I need to watch the movie now because there was so much awesome packed into the little piece above. But hey, I’m a generous guy and it IS the holidays. So here’s the whole movie you can watch while it lasts on YouTube. You should definitely watch this instead of working today. No one expects anything to get done before January anyway.

Categories: Holiday of Horrors 2014, TV & Film

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

8 replies

  1. Okay. So I read the title as “They’re Not Working for Elvis anymore: 1989 Elves.” I thought, “How ridiculous; Elvis never had elves. Or did he?” Anyway, great review. Somewhere an old grizzly bear is watching this movie and doing a facepalm.

  2. Is it wrong that I kind of want to see this now?

  3. Why don’t we get QUALITY movies like this anymore?

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