Between 8PM and midnight, once the kids are in bed, once we have slipped into our pjs, we watch a movie. Or two. Most of the time, it’s a horror flick. I must have seen them all: from the mainstream big budget blockbusters, to the indie gems, to the old sexploitation movies of Jose Ramon Larraz. None, however, made me poop in my clown pants the way The Notebook did. Here was the romantic story of a man pursuing the love of his life. Incessantly. Many hailed the movie as the greatest love story of its time. None of these people are my friends. If anything, The Notebook is a movie about a psychopath who simply doesn’t know when to let go. Dude, one step towards my daughter and I will kick your sorry buffed ass, and abs, and arms, and neck, and goddamn you’re hot. This crazy tale of an obsessed and deranged man also propelled my Canadian BFF4EVS™ Ryan Golsing on top of Hollywood’s A-list. A sociopath heartthrob, the way I like them.
Ryan is a multi-dimensional artist: he can act, he can pose without a shirt on, he can sing a mean Disney song, and he can sing about zombies. And he can pose without a shirt on. He is an Academy Award nominated actor. He is a sex symbol. He is an internet meme. He even is a Le Clown internet meme.
Ryan made cry with Blue Valentine. Ryan gave me chills with The Place Beyond the Pines. Ryan made me dance on Chromatics with Drive. Ryan made me wish I was stoned with Only God Forgives. But what Ryan does best is to provide one of my favourite soundtracks for when I drive my manly Honda Civic 2008: the music of his band, Dead Man’s Bones.Don’t you worry, I’m getting to the essence of what will make this fanboy rant on Ryan a worthy post for Eva’s blog. And perhaps part of your playlist this coming Halloween.
What’s left of Ryan Gosling’s Mickey Mouse Club era is a man singing under the pseudonym of Baby Goose, songs about burning Disney’s mascot on a cross in Salem, backed up by a coven of witch and zombie kids. In Dead Man’s Bones, Baby Goose sings with a friend of his, Zach Shields… an acquaintance, not his real best friend of course, because that’s me (call me). Pa Pa Power would be my choice if I had to pick one song led by Zach, the back up guy who isn’t that very important and should sing under the stage while wearing a sheet over his whole body, and a muzzle over his mouth, locked in a steamer trunk.
But it is songs like My Body’s a Zombie for You and In the Room Where you Sleep, which played in the latest James Wan movie, The Conjuring, that will cater to Eva’s readers, because you can hear the hotness in Ryan’s voice, and by hotness, I mean the creepy vibrato of his evil soul. The music, something like Eloise by The Damned, or The Cramps‘ Human Fly. Ryan is also over 6 feet tall. Not that I care. Six pack abs.
My wife and I caught Dead Man’s Bones back when I had a one-ab that looked like Ryan’s left buttcheek—my one ab would now fill Ryan’s ass completely. The concert hall was somewhat packed, and surprisingly, no screaming groupies, expect me, pulling my hair off, pinching my nipples. Ryan did look straight in my eyes, and smiled, just before he called security to keep an eye on me. And it’s there, at the very moment when Dead Man’s Bones played Lose Your Soul that I had an epiphany… The Notebook was not a horror flick. Noah was not a psychopath. Nora didn’t really care about Allie. It was all make-believe. Ryan Gosling was acting for me, his Canadian favourite BFF4EVS™… at least, that’s what I tried telling the doctor when they moved me to the the psychiatric ward’s padded room.
– The Beast Howls in My Veins: Love Songs for Monsters
– My Name is Le Clown: For We are Many
– Let a Chorus Girl Sing Me a Song: St. James Infirmary Blues
Categories: Guest Writers, Music
I am now very glad I am not Ryan Gosling.
I hear he can also do a mean BBQ wearing a dress and cowboy boots.
BrainRants is unimpressed. BrainRants can do that equally well, and is now arrogant to the point of referring to himself in the third person.
Yes, he can. I taught him well. You’re welcome.
The Notebook was an unfortunate movie. Baby Goose sounds intriguing. Will have to check it out.
The only thing worse than The Notebook, is The Notebook 3D.
The Notebook in 3D!? Where!?! 😀
Beside a pair of 3-D glasses, this version of the movie comes with a pair of xylophone sticks so you can pretend you’re making sweet music on Ryan’s abs.
😀 😀 😀 I would actually prefer the mallets while watching Drive, where he is also fixated on a woman (and has improved the psychotic, clenched-jaw look…good God). On the other hand, he’s not slowly peeling off anyone’s stockings in that one..
Drive, now THAT was a fantastic movie… It didn’t care much to The Notebook crowd, but I was mesmerized by the the style, his performance (and the very short one by Christina Hendricks) and by the music of Chromatics.
One of the best soundtracks ever, and some of the instrumental songs seriously creep me out if I’m listening alone. I listen the stuff out of Tick of the Clock.
I had no idea Ryan Gosling was so versatile. What a hero. I am off to look him up on Google.
Absolutely, his abs have been called six packs, xylophones, the stairs to Olympus, Mount Climb Me, and so on…
I recommend going directly to “image search.” The regular start page is for people who are too shy to go straight for the gold.
I’ve watched The Notebook a couple of times, for me wasn’t romantic, was more like softcore porn and I loved it for it.
I’m still waiting for a signal from Ryan for me to leave everything behind and move in with him.
I will ask my close and personal friend, John Waters to make a “Smell-O-Vision” version of The Notebook like he did for Polyester, just for you. That’s how much I love you.
I found Lars and the Real Girl way more realistic than The Notebook.
Who ever played the sex doll deserved an Oscar nod. Biggest upset of that year.
Was he really nominated for an Academy Award or are you pulling our legs? Too early in the morning to Google it. Six pack abs get old, my friend. What women really want is a man of substance.
He was indeed nominated for the excellent Lars and the Real Girl…
I heard that’s a fantastic move. Maybe I’d better add it to my list. Ach. Like he doesn’t have enough going for him. Just like that goddamn Justin Timberlake. Everything that touches gets critical/popular acclaim. He’s great on Saturday Night Live. Guys like them make me feel kind of ordinary.
I get that. But quite objectively, the guy can act. He does have a limited range, but he makes it work. The four movies I listed here are to me some of his best (Blue Valentine and Pines, and Drive and Only God Knows, but the last two ones will cater more to an indie crowd that Hollywood mainstream).
Don’t you just love a guy with limited facial expressions?
As long as I can read “Le” and “Clown” on his face when he smiles and arches his eyebrows, all will be well.
I haven’t seen a Gosling movie since The Ides of March …. but he’s obviously a Le Clown Want-to-be.
We Canadians hold each other tight, by the hair of our chests. Closely.
Darn, I was hoping this was about Ryan Reynolds, not Ryan Gosling.
That said, I am glad I am not the only female who dislikes The Notebook.
Punk Rocker (I have yet to answer your comment on ACOF, it won’t be long),
Survey says they are only 17 women on this planet that disliked The Notebook. Congratulations for being one of them. We are now BFF4EVS™.
Le Clown the Fucking Fanboy. HAHAHAHAHA *facepalms*
I have tattooed his abs on my belly. How’s laughing now, beside everyone?
Whosaidanyone’slaughing? *bursts out laughing anyway*
I personally love The Notebook. It’s the only Nicholas Sparks book turned movie that I like. I’m not a big fan of the author, but I love that movie.
My wife enjoyed it too, and I think it surprised her. We did watch Safe Haven a few months back, because I can usually take Lasse Hallström’s movies. But that one, man… That one… I am still cleaning up the rashes it gave me…
I read the book Safe Haven. It didn’t do much for me. Nicholas always has someone die in the end which make all of his books too damned predictable. Not to get so far off the topic of Ryan Gosling. He doesn’t do much for me either, but he’s a good actor. I’ll give him that.
Between you and I, I would have gladly written a post on Michael Fassbinder, but I would have had to indulge on a long tangent on the X-Men and what not… Shhhh….
Secret is safe with me. 😉 Haha.
Safe Haven was that movie where the guy’s ex-wife’s ghost is the BFF4evs of his new girlfriend who had that cute blond bob, yes? Yeah, that one’s a BRRR…
So this weekend my DVR bit the dust, and the DVD player with it, so I was stuck with what was on TV. Just so happened “Crazy Stupid Love” was playing on HBO. I watched it. RG can put me in a corner any day (which will only make sense if you’ve seen that Gosling scene).
Rumours were that he wanted to put Le Clown in the corner, and not the Emma Stone version of ‘Baby’ Houseman… True story.
Le Clown is much more beautiful than Emma Stone. And the thought of Le Clown and Baby Goose dancing…I’d have the time of my life watching that.
I like to watch the Notebook with the sound muted… it’s so much easier to hear Baby Goose pining for me that way. Sigh…
I like to watch, too.
Tearing out your hair and pinching your nipples, that visual has left a scar on my brain that will take years to fade. I’m now living proof that it is possible to acquire PTSD from a blog post.
Running from the Booze,
There you go, we’re both scarred in our own ways…
This whole thing is bizzaro. I did not know that Ryan Gosling had a band. Pretty good! I think you and Baby Goose would be buds given the chance.
Ryan reads me, each time I post. That is what my wife tells me each night when I go to bed.
Well then, enough said.
Ryan The Driver could drive me anywhere.
Can Le Clown ride along with you two?
Sure, but I call shotgun. Maybe we can drive to Maine. Someone told me they have nice beaches.
Did you ever see him in The Believer? That was an intense movie, but he did complicated and torn soul very well.
Le Handsome Calahan,
We’re downloading now.
He wore a sweet ass jacket in Drive.
expectdemand to see a legion of young men with facsimiles of that jacket come Halloween.
I haven’t seen the notebook…but Ryan Gosling is hot. lol
Ah, Le Clown, I do so enjoy when you stop by to guest post. Not only am I more enlightened on the intricacies of Mr. Goslings oh-so-chiseled abdominals, but that video for Dead Hearts is straight-up creepy. And believe me, I know creepy. Abs, well…I have vague memories…
I must be the only person on earth who is not a member of the Cult of Gosling. And I refuse to see The Notebook. I can’t stand cloying romantic crap like that.
I am your comrade in arms Madame… I did like Ry in Crazy Stupid Love, and I think he’s a good actor… but my heart does not race when I see him. With or without a shirt. I will, however send this post to my friend Carey, who is mad in love with Ryan… or maybe to Lyssa, who may be on her honeymoon, but is probably dreaming of Ryan anyway. That Clown, he does amaze me though.
You are clearly a woman of good taste, My Lady. That’s right, I forgot that Ryan is Lyssa’s other husband. It’s nice of her to give him a break while she honeymoons with her new spouse!
You are, and I don’t care what the next two comments say.
Fightback Towers is a hushed temple of carnal something or other when Ryan and his stick on tats brood on screen. Ma Fightback thinks he is sex on legs – to me he looks like a Moomin with stick on tats
I’ll invite your Ma next time Ryan plays on my television. You can make us popcorn and a pedicure while we watch.
How did you know I am a martyr to my feet?
This man of many talents and abs could be in a straightjacket for all I care and I’d still love him. In fact, a straightjacket would make it even easier for me to love him.
I hear he has a big heart too.