Goddesses Don’t Speak in Whispers, They Scream: American Horror Story Hotel Episode 5

Buffy The Vampire Slayer large GIF

For today’s AHS: Hotel recap, I give you a picture of Buffy the Vampire Slayer because I want Buffy to go to the hotel and kill all the vampires, so we can just deal with the cool haunted hotel part of everything.  Here’s what happened last week:

  • The mom (Chloe Sevigny) is a vampire and she made one of her patients a vampire who then somehow made a whole 5th grade full of vampires and omg I hate vampires.
  • Liz Taylor (Denis O’Hare) is an executive transvestite which makes him one of the top three characters this season.
  • Iris (Kathy Bates) hates hipsters and killed some because she is ALSO a vampire now.
  • For some reason Hypodermic Sally is doing it with handsome cop.

Now, I know that recap makes it sound like I didn’t love the episode.  Which I didn’t.  I have been sort of sick of vampires for quite a while now and this really was the final nail in the coffin. Vampires can’t go out in the day time and they don’t run around making everyone in town a vampire.  Except in this show they do.

ray-date

RIP Ray

And why wouldn’t they?  Being a vampire in the American Horror Story universe is awesome.  You don’t die, you can still go to the beach, you have plenty of time to get rich via Ponzi schemes and compound interest.  What’s not to like? Oh, are you sad, little vampire? Are you tired of losing the people you love?  PFFT!  I have some cats.  I used to have more but some died.  One of the ones that died was Raymond. Now, I realize that a cat is not the same as a person, but I loved that cat WAY more than I love tons of people that I know, so I think the comparison is pretty apt.

Being a vampire in this show is pretty much the same as being a super hero.  Unless Lady Gaga can die from someone pinching her or she has that disease that makes your bones all rickety, she has it made. And Donovan, the handsome vampire she dumped, also has it made. Because he is handsome and young and it is L.A. and even if he has to wait for like, a hundred years he can take acting lessons that ENTIRE TIME and eventually be super famous.

So let’s move on, folks. Buffy should get down to the City of Angels from Sunnydale and clean house. She can’t hurt ghosts so there will still be tons of murders but at least there won’t be any annoying vampires. This coming eppy needs to have a 65 to 45 ghost murderer to vampire ratio or I will be super mad.  You have been warned, AHS!

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Categories: Reviews

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