I have to hand it to the people who make American Horror Story. They don’t let anything go to waste. They took the murderer from last year and made him a model/vampire this year. Then they had him fall in love with Dennis O’Hare, then had Lady Gaga kill him. THEN they said: hey, we need someone to be Valentino and since you’re dead, you can do it!

So now we have Finn Wittrock and Alexandra Daddario playing Rudolf Valentino and Natacha Rambova as vampires (pictured in real life in the banner above). And, as usual, things in the Hotel Cortez went a little sideways in the last few episodes:

• First, we found out that Lady Gaga was an aspiring actress in the 20s who ended up marrying Mr. March, the crazy hotel guy. She discovered he was a murder machine but was totally down with it.
• Meanwhile, Valentino and Rambova got made into vampires because of that Nosferatu movie, then took a shine to Gaga and sexed her up.
• But then they died and it was a big deal and Gaga was super sad.
• But then they came back and were all: surprise, WE’RE VAMPIRES!
• So they made her one and they were all going to be happy, except they forgot about Madman March the Murder Magnate.  He was jealous and figured out that it would be a super jerk move to just wall up the bloodsucking actors into the hotel so they could move around and get super hungry but not die.

Which really seems like a rotten power. In past recaps, I was talking about how great vampires were but the ones in this show sort of stink.  They can just die from getting their throats cut but they can’t die of hunger?  Mean. That would like being able to jump super high but when you land your legs break. USELESS.

This brings me to my questions for the second half of the season:

1. Even I now believe Handsome Cop is the 10 Commandments Killer…but WHY?  Seems like it is too good to be true.
2. Will we ever find out what happened to vampire middle school?
3. Remember turkey skin face who raped the junkie with the big metal wiener?  What’s that guy’s deal and when is he coming back?
4. What’s the deal with Hypodermic Sally?
5. March seems like he is way tougher than the vampires (since the vampires can be stopped by a wall) but he still lets Lady Gaga stay there.  Is she helping him?  She has no money so I doubt it.
6. Did you know that Ryan Murphy says that ALL the seasons of AHS are connected?  I have seen the obvious ones but what else is going on?
7. Do you miss Emma Roberts as much as I do?  I hope she gets a good part this season and doesn’t get stuck being “scrawny victim #3.
8. I feel badly for the revenge squad whose panty raid on the hotel yielded exactly zero.  I think this Angela Basset should jump back two seasons and go back to being that powerful witch.  Then again, maybe she should just be smart and realize that she and her new partner are super good looking and Lady Gaga looks like what someone on a baking competition would do if they were told to make a cake of Lady Gaga.  They could just be all charming and get their own cruise ship or something.  I assume at least 10 or 12 people die on every cruise anyway.  Easy to cover up.
9. You think they are going to do anything with Elisa Lam?  You can’t tell me that the Cortez doesn’t have SOMETHING in common with the Hotel Cecil.

I am excited to find out what happens to roughly 40% of the cast and the story lines.  And I suppose now that Gaga has some depth I like her a little more. Still wish they could throw a ginger dude in there so they don’t all look alike.  You think Rupert Grint is busy, Ryan Murphy?  Because I don’t!

Let me know what you think in the comments. And yes, I no sold Chloe Sevigny on purpose because her whole story line angers me. Poor Scarlett!

Categories: Reviews

Tags: AHS, American Horror Story, horror, reviews, tv reviews