I have decided that even though the show is now about Turkey Skin, I want the ghostly Mr. March to win at the end of the season finale tonight. And when I say “win” I mean still have his hotel and be able to kill whoever he wants. I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen at all, but it’s what I want and a guy can dream, right? Let’s take a look at all the things that happened in last week’s busy, busy episode while we settle in for tonight’s finale!
- We start out with Liz and Iris blasting up the Countess and Iris’s recently returned son, Cheekbones. Cheekbones takes a lot of slugs and Countess Gaga gets away, so they drag Cheekbones out so he doesn’t have to be a ghost with all Gaga’s exes in the same house. Good call.
- Of course, they completely failed to kill the Countess but what can you do?
- Hypodermic Sally has a weird sidebar with more of her backstory where she sews herself to some grunge rockers (yeah, I don’t know either), but mainly she saves the Countess by feeding her the rest of the pale blonde kids.
- Iris and Liz go to get Ramona, who is wicked hungry even though she ate the Countess’s latest
victimhusband, Will Drake, and all those kids.
- Suddenly, Queenie from Coven turns up and survives just long enough to teach us that ghosts > witches > vampires. She gets killed by MY MAN MARCH and now Ramona is all full of witch juice.
- Ramona tears off to eat Countess Gaga but ends up getting swindled. She was told the hotel would be “left to her” but since Drake Junior has disappeared, who knows who actually owns it.
- The Countess was going to leave but wait! It’s the return of Handsome Cop! He kills the Countess to finish his 10 Commandments killings (boy was I wrong last week!), and March is happy because now the Countess is trapped in the hotel as a ghost.
- March discovers that it was his devoted maid who actually turned him in so they could be together forever so he banished her!
Now, what does all this mean for tonight’s season finale? Well, I think this is what’s going to happen:
- Considering vampires are the bottom of the totem pole, there are a lot still left. Dr. Chloë Sevigny and her kid Holden, Ramona, Iris…they are all still kicking and have something they want. I think Dr. Mom Chloë and Holden will live, mainly because nobody cares about them at this point and someone needs to make sure little Scarlett (who?) is ok. It won’t be Handsome Cop! Iris and Ramona are in the end game.
- Turkey skin can kill ghosts but Hypodermic Sally the Heroin Hooker seems like she has the edge since she spawned Turkey Skin (or something). So if she gets her way, March and the maid will be dead and she will kill the cop. Then I guess Turkey can keep taking souls and raping people or whatever.
- My prediction is that the show will end with Iris and Liz running things and Ramona keeping a chunk of the money, like a pimp. The house ghosts will be Sally and Handsome Cop with Turkey Skin maintaining the status quo.
Of course, in my AHS dreams, what I WANT to happen is that March figures out how to kill Turkey Skin and spends every night bothering Lady Gaga and killing randos. I realize I have as much chance of being right on all of this as I do of winning the Powerball but hey, that means I have a 50/50 chance, right???