It’s April.  And where I’m from, that means inchworms. I don’t understand them. I don’t know when they call them in countries that have the metric system. I don’t know why they get way up in a tree just so they can lower themselves down like little armless green berets and hit me in the face EVERY DAMN MORNING.

I know that isn’t the same as a spider web, but it could be. Imagine a world where instead of inchworms they had footworms. A foot long.  Threads as thick as a shoelace (a boot lace, really, or those fat ones people used to wear in their Pumas).  Imagine two or three of those banging into your head when you try to get in your car.  And what if they had person faces and when you touched one they made a sound like a little kid imitating a sheep.  What a world.  Let’s recap:

• Foot long worms
• Silky threads the size of super fat shoelaces
• Human faces
• Weird little kid “baaaaaa” sound is all they can make.

And let’s throw in that they want to lay their eggs behind your earlobes.  So that is where they are trying to get.  And since they exist they must do it successfully a lot of the time.

Happy April, wonderful footworm world!

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– 31 Halloween Activities #3: Wear a Sexy Costume

– 31 Halloween Activities #2: Watch “The Great Pumpkin”

Categories: 31 Halloween Activities

Tags: 31 Halloween Activities, creepy, humor, spider, spiders, spiderweb, spring